Never kiss and tell
by RangerCraving
Summary: This is a oneshot conversation between Steph, Connie and Lula and Ranger's revenge.  Edited out of Learning about love.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: This is a little left over from my story "Learning about love" that I left out. I was worried that it was a little too OOC for Ranger, but a good friend insisted that I post it._

_Thank you everyone who read and reviewed "Learning about love. I tried to send an individual thank you to all of you, and I apologize sincerely if I missed anyone. A special thank you to Kate Manoso for her friendship, advice and support! _

_Warning: Sexual content and language_

**_Inside Vinnie's Bond Enforcement Agency _**

My name is Stephanie Plum, and I'm currently sitting inside of Vinnie's Bond Enforcement Agency where I work with my good friends and co-workers, Lula and Connie. They've just realized that I had sex with my mentor, friend, fellow bounty hunter and, as of today, lover; Ricardo Carlos Manoso.

** XXXXXXXXXXXXX**

"Come on, girlfriend, you've gotta tell us something," Lula insisted.

"Nope."

"Connie, tell this skinny white girl that she has to tell us one thing about sex with Batman."

Connie looked at me. "She's right. You've got to tell us something." I could feel myself starting to sweat, and I knew I wasn't going to stand up under the pressure.

"Anything," Lula said. "You don't have to give details. We want you to, on account of he's so hot, but you can just give us anything."

Feeling myself crumble under the pressure I blurted out, "Five times in the last 24 hours."

Lula just looked at me like I was dim. "Shit, my man can do five times on a good night. Give us something else." I looked over to see Connie looking back and forth between Lula and me with a look of envy on her face. She was fanning herself like crazy.

"Lula, you said anything." I pointed out.

"Yeah, but I meant anything but that. Give us something else." I frantically searched for something to say as they both stared at me.

"Ranger likes to talk during sex." The room went dead quiet and Connie froze mid-fan.

"Huh. He don't make you call him daddy or some shit like that, does he?"

"NO. EEEW."

"Good, 'cause that's some creepy shit, and I don't want no creepy thoughts about Batman in my head pushing out all the hot stuff." I looked over and Connie was once again frantically fanning.

Lula decided to not let it drop. "Don't suppose you want to tell us what he says?"

"Don't suppose I do."

"Well, you're looking mighty relaxed today, so it must be some good conversation." She looked over at Connie and they both started laughing.

"Hey," I said. "You've never told Connie and me anything about Tank. Fair's fair." Okay, the truth is I'm just as nosy as Lula.

"Hell, girl, that talking crap ain't nothing. Hell, when you're a ho almost every John you pick up wants a little conversation."

"Yeah, but what about Tank," Connie asked.

"Well, you can't say anything, on account of he's a little sensitive about it, but when Tank and I are doing the nasty, he always ..."

** XXXXXXXXXXXXX**

I walked into the apartment to find Ranger leaning against the doorjamb near the kitchen. I stopped just inside, instantly aware of the anger rolling off of him in waves.

Searching my mind to figure out what I'd done now, I came up blank.

"Ah, hey, what's up?" I figured since I had no idea what was going on, ignorance was the way to go.

Ranger did nothing but watch me for a long moment. When he spoke, his voice was very cool and very controlled, but I could tell it was costing him.

"Did you or did you not tell Lula that I like to talk during sex?" Holy shit! Lula and her big mouth. First chance I'm stunning her.

"Um, it might have slipped out."

Ranger's voice was incredulous. "Slipped out? Slipped out? We're not talking about your grandmother farting, Stephanie. We're talking about ... about..." I watched in fascination as I realized I'd done the impossible. I'd rendered Ranger speechless.

"Um, speaking of farting, did you know Tank farts during sex?" Ranger walked over, sat in the closest chair and put his head down on the dining room table. What can I say, I'm cursed. I make all men crazy eventually.

After a few seconds Ranger lifted his head and turned toward me.

"Lula told you that Tank farts during sex?" Ranger appeared to be processing the information.

"She said it's like making love with a marching band, only she doesn't mind 'cause he's hung like a trombone." Once again Ranger lowered his head to the table, but this time he looked like he was fighting a smile.

"Steph?" I could barely hear Ranger since it appeared he was attempting to smother himself.

"Yes, Ranger?"

"Go to the bedroom and lock the door until I leave. I'm not sure I can resist the urge to strangle you right now." I didn't think it would be a good time to point out that Ranger always gets through doors that I lock, so I just started back to the bedroom. I'm not a coward, and I didn't think Ranger would really strangle me, but a nap sounded really good, so I started quickly walking toward the bedroom careful not to get too close to Ranger as I passed.

I was almost there when his voice stopped me.

"Steph."

I turned to find him looking at me, a worried look on his face.

"Yes, Ranger?"

"You didn't tell Lula anything else, did you?"

"Um --"

"Fuck." Ranger started to get up from the chair.

"I might have mentioned that you have incredible stamina." At the look on Ranger's face I ran the rest of the way to the bedroom and locked the door. A few seconds later I heard him leave and the apartment door slam behind him.

After arguing with myself I decided to go down and apologize to Ranger. Maybe if I told Tank I was only joking with Lula about Ranger talking during sex so she'd quit asking questions, he'd believe me. Denial is my very best friend.

When I got to the fifth floor, neither Tank nor Ranger were anywhere in sight. Hal, Bobby, Lester and Cal looked like they were trying very hard to appear busy. I walked over to Hal who kept glancing toward the door to Ranger's office.

"Hey, what's up?" I asked.

Hal looked uncomfortable. "Um, I'm not sure, but I don't think it's good."

"Why? What's going on?"

"I don't know. About 20 minutes ago we heard the boss say to Tank, 'If you tell anyone, you son of a bitch, you're fired.' Then he left and went upstairs. Just a few minutes ago the boss came back and called Tank into his office. Just before the door slammed shut, we all heard Tank yell, 'If you tell anyone, you bastard, I'll kill you.' No one knows what's going on, but none of us want to be involved."

Just then we heard the door to Ranger's office open. Throwing a frantic look at Hal I bolted for the exit and flew down the steps.


	2. Chapter 2

**Ranger's Revenge**

I'd been avoiding Tank at all costs for two days now and making myself a nervous wreck over Ranger's "I will get even, Babe" comment.

I knew that they had both left the building just minutes ago, so I was pretty comfortable walking out onto the fifth floor. I was about 10 feet away from my cubby when my cell phone rang.

"Hello."

"Stephanie, your grandmother and I just had to call and tell you how proud we are of you. Why didn't you tell us? Our phone's been ringing all morning long."

"Mom?" I stood rooted to the floor trying to make sense of my mother's rambling. I looked over and noticed that Lester had reached up and was fooling around with the switches above the monitors. An uneasy feeling began working its way through my body.

"And your father, why he's just shocked. And so proud of you. That's such a lovely picture -" Before she could finish the call waiting beeped on my cell phone.

"Mom, hang on." I hit the button on my phone.

"Hello?"

"Oh my god, Stephanie, are you insane? I can't believe you're actually going to do this. Since when has this been a life long dream of yours?"

"Mary Lou?"

"I gotta go. The kids are freaking out. I just wanted you to know how proud I am of you. Great picture, by the way."

Feeling more than a little confused I flipped back over to my mother.

"Mom?"

I heard Grandma's Mazur's voice. "Nope, it's me. Your mother's answering the door again. Everybody keeps calling and stopping by. I'm so glad I have a hair appointment today. I'm going to be the center of attention. I gotta go now on account of Margie Buckman is here, and I wanna go brag. Her perfect granddaughter's never done anything like this. Great picture."

It appeared that all of the guys in the room were taking great pains not to look over at me. Making my way over to my cubby, I slowly sat down. I was racking my brain trying to decipher the two strange phone calls when I noticed a newspaper sitting in front of me on the desk. In slow motion I watched as my hand moved toward the paper as if it were a rattlesnake poised to strike. Something told me I wasn't going to like this.

I stared in shock as my brain tried to make sense of the bold headline in front of me.

_**TRENTON'S VERY OWN FEMALE BOND ENFORCEMENT AGENT STEPHANIE PLUM TO BEGIN EXTENSIVE TRAINING MONDAY MORNING FOR BOSTON MARATHON **_

For a minute all I could do was stare at the headline and the picture of me underneath it. Suddenly little black dots danced in front of my eyes, and I immediately put my head between my knees. Praying that I was dreaming, I used my thumb and index finger to pinch the inside of my thigh. At my startled yelp, I could have sworn I heard someone snicker. When the buzzing in my ears stopped, I slowly peeked over the top of the desk hoping that I had imagined the whole thing.

The newspaper was still sitting there, taunting me. Okay, I thought, this could be fixed. Right? Just because it's in the paper doesn't mean I can't contact them to tell them they had been misinformed. They'd just print a retraction. No big deal.

I started to pick up the paper and throw it away when the words in the article seemed to jump off the paper.

_'Inspired by this week's coverage of the Boston Marathon, Miss Stephanie Plum, Trenton's very own female bond enforcement agent, has announced her intention to participate in next year's 26-mile race. Miss Plum was unavailable for comment. However, a representative for this amazing young woman has told the Trenton Times that it has been a life long dream of Miss Plum's to run in the Boston Marathon, stating that Miss Plum is an avid runner. _

_And as if that isn't enough, it has come to this reporter's attention through an anonymous source, that Miss Plum has convinced one of the local businesses in Trenton to donate $100,000 to the Trenton Catholic Home for Orphans in Miss Plum's name the day after she completes the marathon. _

_Touched by the sentiment, Sister Mary Katherine, in charge of overseeing the care and education of over 100 boys and girls of the orphanage, responded by announcing this morning that a reception will be held at the orphanage in honor of Miss Plum the Saturday following the Marathon where the children will don their choir robes and entertain the guests. The church will present a special plaque to thank Miss Plum for her generosity._

_Says a spokesperson for Miss Plum, "Stephanie challenges local business owners and residents of her home town of Trenton to join in and make donations to the orphanage through what is now being referred to as the Stephanie Plum Charity Run. Anyone interested in donating money can contact Detective Joseph Morelli at Trenton Police Department who will be in charge of collecting the funds and distributing them to the Trenton Catholic Home for Orphans the morning after Miss Plum completes the Boston Marathon. _

_When asked his opinion on Miss Plum's decision to run in the Boston Marathon next year, Officer Morelli replied, "I know Stephanie personally, and I'm not surprised. Everyone who knows Steph knows that she lives to run. I was honored when representatives of Stephanie's contacted me and asked me to be in charge of collecting the donations." Detective Morelli would not divulge the name of the person or persons who contracted him and made this request._

_Friends and family members that I spoke to have all told this reporter that they are very proud of Miss Plum and are not the least bit surprised by her generosity._

_I was unable to find out the name of the local business that has offered to donate $100,000 in Miss Plum's name, but I'm not giving up that easy. This reporter plans to continue digging until we get the answers. In the meantime, the Trenton Times intends to follow up with weekly updates on Miss Plum's extensive training program right up until the day of the Boston Marathon, which is held annually on the third Monday in April, giving Miss Plum exactly 360 days to train._

_Good luck, Miss Plum. All of Trenton is watching and stands behind you in your endeavors. You do your hometown proud.'_

As the implications of the article began to sink in, the shock began to wear off. I lifted my head and slowly scanned the faces of each and every Rangeman employee in the room.

My eyes locked on Hal's as I ever so slowly stood up from my chair. I might be amazed that Joe had agreed to play a part in this terrible nightmare, but only one man could be responsible for creating it.

"Where's Ranger?" I watched as Hal's face flushed bright red.

"Um -- Ah --"

I turned quickly at the chuckle behind me. Spinning around I saw Lester leaning against the wall.

"He and Tank are on their way to Miami. Their flight should be taking off any minute now." Fury flooded through me. How could he? This was beyond payback. This was unbelievable. This was horrible. This was criminal.

"_**I am going to**_ _**kill**_ _**him!**_"

** XXXXXXXXXXXXX**

Miles away at the Newark Liberty International Airport, sitting in the first class section of a 747 bound for Miami, Ranger felt a chill run down his spine.

He glanced over at the large man sitting next to him. "She knows."

Tank just nodded his head once.

"Yep, I felt the chill clear to my bones." Both men looked at one another for a few seconds. When the flight attendant stepped through the curtain, she came to an abrupt halt as the two men dressed in all black erupted into laughter. Later she would be heard telling her co-workers that not once during the three-hour flight did the two men quit smiling.


End file.
